Dedicated to Mi Mija : ) ♥

To Whom;

All those I ♥ or 1nce


It’s been a tough


==== ===== ====



we can get through it

if we try



Angie =>


Kim 2 (Mija)

Welcum 2


--- Forever ---> Sic

DA World


K Diaries --->

Here are the list of

individuals that wrote my

life to the next level,

a level of depression

that I never saw

before ∼∼∼∼∼∼∼ : )

I’m Lucky, a lucky man

I am, Flying high

To Hell , I am

Your smile tortures,

your beauty brightens,

Your mind excites,

your soul entices,

Your heart seduces,

your eyes entrance’s,

Your body warms,

your voice nurtures,

Yourself does

Dis 2 me

: ) thanXs

Feel like something that is not,

But wanting dat something

More than anything……

Why? Why can’t?

Ask this question mentally everyday, most days more than you would believe….crying alone keeping it in, afraid to expose cause masculinity would than dispose, why can’t it be with me why can’t this sickness die, I’m pathetic, I try

I keep 4 what other that Ache, da sickness kills me, I

It’s a tale of A young man trying to make it, in a world of complete hatred…trying to be Mr. Hollywood, wants to be a superstar, wants to be loved…doesn’t want to fuck, just wants to hold a girl in his arms @ nite.

Sick of it all, learning a blossoming he does, growing up throughout his college career, as the journey, the journey begins…

The Circle

It Repeats

Over & Over

Fuck me!

: (

Do you have feelings 4 me?

Sometimes I wonder if you luv me, it seems like you don’t at times, but others it seems you do, I dunno…my mind is lost…but it knows one thing, my luv 4 u…that it knows & wants to have 4ever…can it, will it, is it a possible reality that will one day occur…who knows accept, our futuristic dead souls…I dunno how you feel but there are times that I think you want me to press my lips against yours but I dunno cause you confuse…

Should I just act passionately?

Passion Fades as honesty stays, she tries to keep her from believing this but it’s tough as she sits alone surrounded by many unrecognizable faces. These faces are nothing more than rocks or palm trees, they mean nothing. Complicated, she sits stares into the mirror with a blade to cut her coke, and then her wrist. This is a recycled fantasy of hers that plays into the box of her already cut mind. She doesn’t want to give up on pure love but her heart hardens as a defense reaction from all da heartache.

(Paste picture here)

People criticize what they don’t

------ Get/know


U is 4 always fighting this

Marry war, defining a moment in time, capturing its true spirit.

Me We hope to see, when not blessed by

In the shining sun…love is a catapult

July of addiction and reason to live you are

At MGM mine as I saw crystal rains approach your bright sky’s, I motioned move your blocking my sunshine, That’s the light I need in order to see…

How do you know that you are

In love?



h This is the “question,” the question of all questions…the one that is left unanswered for all walks of the pathetic breed of Mama’s we classify as “human beings.” What are being other than lovesick blinded dumb founded shits; well we are being true emotional animals.

Love is and is something that has very little restraints in the sense of who it can control…Age, gender, race, sexuality,

it says, “I’m like aids diverse”

“Love” is the disease of today, yesterday, and tomorrow. It will never be bottled or cured, but it may if patience, awaits, be understood.

People tend to accept the fact they are in or near the actual trance of “love,” cause it’s scary. The lack of control scares unconscious actions of desire, they throw it all away to see the “one” smile, it’s frightening but worth it.

Love takes over, makes it difficult to sleep @ night causes the fear of not seeing the “one” when you awake.

“Love” cannot be answered simply but eventually description may hint to those who have realized they had a chance.

To be in love, is to be unhappy when without the “one,” to be willing to give it all up…all up to spend the smallest amount that time can be broken into - - - > less than a second, it is to be thinking and wondering about that someone. Sacrifice is what it’s about, but communication is what glues it.

The purest form of “love” means your hearts beat as one, if one stops the other must (or @ least it feels as though it did) life without your lover is not worth living

+Oh love doesn’t have to be reciprocal, but its best that way : )

I can’t & you know I try with a passion of persistence, a cancer like style to bother you but spicy boulders keep blocking our road, a road I’m not sure you are wanting to take but I know for sure its closer to the wizard then the current, its @ least a shade of yellow.

I call and I call and I get “she’s not here” “she was 2 seconds ago” ! What da!

Love Sickness

It’s your heart in battle mode piercing

@ ur own insides

Causes actions of irrationality, I will be stupid, I will risk, I will do all cause when I hear that voice I feel like 100% + 10% more…

I feel on top of da world…

{Sick} {Crazy}


Call me what you may but…but

I’m sure you’ve felt this way bout someone

Being together is a faction of, of, the environment one was raised in, what one does is a reflection…a mirrored image of their professors…

Emotional Intimacy

Is key to a long lasting time, sex may be amazing but it’s even better if you establish the “EI” prior cause then you know it’s not da “EI” wasn’t created out of sexual intercourse.

Being wit somebody shouldn’t feel like a burden, but should be fun & like a bowl ol’happieness.

Our bodies cling together; together as one we thrust harder & faster. Sweat drops from my flesh to yours…It feels so good and as my tongue travels up your thighs, past da deep valley, and over your milky hills…it discovers that you taste so good…delicious, we fuck each other for hours and my dick is still hard…too bad : )

Cause I want to eat you up, taste it all : p

Fuck me

Then I awake : (

My Perversion, you make me

“Sex” ?

-“We know what it is, but besides da obvious, penis, vagina relationship…do you know or realize how it is or that there are for most cases two options.”

[Making love] [Fucking]

def: having sex with the def: having sex with the

mind set of getting the mind set of getting your

other person off. Self off.

1. bout giving 1. bout wanting

2. cumming yourself 2. cumming yourself

is not important must occur

3. time is no factor 3. time is monitored

4. will go on until the 4. will stop as soon as

other is fully pleased personal pleasure is met,

even if other has not orgasmed

(works best if both (works best if only

make love) one is fucking)

Peter Piper Pizza

I saw myself being a father and you, a mother, a M.I.L.F, as we took Nicky and Mina out. Your nieces and my delusional ones as well, it was like a test from god for us…mornings together like a family…it was nice…kids and mom joke with dad, kids & Dad joke with mom. Mom stressed out and I act as referee between kids and mom

There’s no problem with this sector of the future, just happy times :)

What Do You Want?

Can I give This to you?

Fear is okay, so gamble with me please…than I die

I want 2 fuck u rough lic ur ass

INFO: Searching 4 Mija in Sin City;

Will he find her or ?

Mapping out a goal of this adventure is the only hope, she knows his sickness…she knows his failures at pleasuring…she knows her being violated…she knows his dying…she knows a glimpse of how it will be with time…

Its not so bad, it’s actually very good and could get better with tough of bare skin and licking each other in a passionate heat…why…push it…do it yourself…inter-course

Got mirror 1+1=2


Fuck you for saying

You don’t see

Yourself with me

Eye exam

Get his opinion

The fact of the matter

Is, doesn’t matter if you

Don’t see…an excuse that is, cause its already, basically occurring, not much more could happen…appears as your “fears”…perfection scares

(you want trouble)

(july 7th, 2002)

Portions of “Mija letter by krack”

“You don’t realize how much you hurt but you did. Maybe it was caused by jealously or maybe intentionally by you, but it doesn’t matter who or hoow to me. The fact of the matter is that it hurts being around you and that Mexican when you two are getting close with one another, and it hurts especially more when you know how I feel about you”… “I dreamed that there would be something between us and I thought that’s how you felt as well” …(goes on and on)

(her response months later)

“Dear Michael…I’m really sorry for the way I made you feel, I just needed someone to talk to and I felt that we

Trying to get over da sickness is like trying to come clean from a drug addiction or something. It’s been almost a year since I’ve consumed your being as a whole, I’ve developed an addiction to your person…I love you and now I need to stop…or rest cause you want me to…your always right (99.9%)…so I tend to listen….to come clean I tell myself “fuck her she hates you!”…AFTER ENOUGH times(13), I will start to believe it…it’s kind of sad but I know you may never really give me da chance I deserve, cause of fear

I am sorry I pushed your shirt up over your subtle breasts during the nite hours, with complete blindness…I apologize…I am sorry my tongue danced around your areolas & nipples…I am sorry for molesting…rape is not my intentions…I wanted to see a smile out of pleasure…but you were dead tired…I want to molest you, you to molest me, I want to do this, lets put this together…so many times I want to lean over and touch my lips with yours

I’m too fuckin

Shy, Shoot me

On the tram @ 4:30 am, our heads resting, arms share a sweater, perfect, we turn and look, our site meets : )


Passion only fades if its not true

love, otherwise it sticks around til

da day you die…my ♥ will never

die even if I marry some other

angel, but I …

Thoughts of purposely hurting you keep running thru my head, hurting in da sense of fucking another girl in front of you, but it probably won’t be, just be sticking my tongue down her throat or his, any gender would still threaten you…

I’m too arrogant sometimes…it might not bother you @ all but maybe just me thinking this is enough tears…

But I only think this is to be selfish and to get myself over this sickness…I want to be love sick 4ever over you and I actually never to want to hurt you, I can’t cause I would only hurt myself, I’m a kind person


Please wipe your tears baby girl

[BSAD 115 Consumer Behavior > it starts]

Third Eye Theory

Love Sickness starts immediately

after da primary joining of the eyeballs

then continues for sometime

(Depending on da individual)

be withme Mija

Studying in da science library, doing everything together, being inseperable…always

Sitting on the couch watching the tube together, cooking pasta for you @ 10 AM , going to SB to sleep, Looking for sexy lingerie, helping you jaw dropping underwear out @ Tyler, dropping you off @ hair saloon (its weird every time you get a haircut I’m always da 1st to see it)…I always meet da new Kim first…waking up next to you, seeing your angelic facial expressions…at this point in my life da girl I’ve laid in bed with the most…I ask myself “What I do wrong?”

(pause for internal crying)

Frozen! My mind is in shock, I dunno…I 4 ever alone?

You came over to me first…What

for? I’m : ) that you did, you are

too…I helped show you da other

side…you re-energized me back

then…Give passionovation…We

have this magic that feeds off one

another, I need you as much as you need me

> > (this book see)







I did it maybe, My Fault, it always is…I was late, made an angel wait, I took back da Lady Bug…I hurt you early, I see my faults…

Killed your trust early on…you feared closeness, I took you to rough water while others seemed safer…I did it, I made those others safe…I changed your search

lets complete

so we can


People read this or parts and don’t put it down…

No one wants to give it back but I

⇒ say…you can read da rest

later…It’s from my heart and people understand it…the pen hardens then penetrates my mind and cums out as words


The faster one moves the

Greater the risk factor…

But the more chances of success,

What you are willing to gain one must be willing to risk…but move too slow you may pass up your chance…your one shot…let yourself go…give it all up if you really want it…..

At this stage in the undesired battle to cure myself…I pay focus, attention on remembering the past…I cherished my time with you cause I knew it could disappear @ any moment…I didn’t want it to by any means but shit happens and it happens to me all da mother fucking time…maybe one day you will see what you lost…maybe my silence will bring that to your head…sh! Sh! Sh! …quiet…I wanna take you to Disney Land, to a rock concert, to a rave…to Cabo…to a perfect place…teach you to speed down da 101, to be there for you…dreams

: )

(paste picture here)

There will be clocks that move forward, there will be clocks that move backwards, and then there are those that don’t move at all…our cuckoo bird clock has frozen in time, not even the second’s hand moves. As frightening as it may sound, it’ll tick again > do we need to wind it up again? You do it!!! But you have to speak, I’m afraid to find you, afraid of what I might see or what I don’t…Your causing baldness…

It was just

A thought

From a friend

That I want to

Tell whoever

May read this >

“Don’t look for

love to last forever, maybe just find temporary”

Easy way out,X

Why inflict pain on oneself>>>


I am not one to preach on how to play this silly game, one to say its this way cause I don’t know…I just want to learn…I may not be capable @ all, but I understand one thing that you can not create a natural tree no matter how much plastic you melt together >>>>

A natural tree still will not be formed, but you will have an object that resembles a tree but out of plastic and that will melt when the bright sun rises above the rain clouds and shines>>>

But you may also have none <<<<

Going No

Where, is


Where failure

Is Accepted

The cute puppy loves the rays of sunshine especially as they shine on her eyes as she wakes up in the morning…She looks so angelic…it’s a small dog…da other while she was with her first owner Goliath who is rather ugly, plays animal cruelty games and the little doesn’t even no its harmful, so as I watched da day after, I played the same game > at least tried but the puppy she didn’t let me?

take time to masturbate

oh my God

My little Mija

Has been


I was going to make you happy, I still will cause I’ll give you my love…let me show you how much I care, Let me be, be with me from soon to end…

I don’t know what to make of your love…

You have that something when you stare @ me, love sick-ness attacks my body…how come you play with everyone except me > it doesn’t feel right


“Rules regarding time & da Sick-ness”

1. Amount of time reflects the level of pain; for example 2 weeks will be not as sick as 2 months
2. Understand that time builds everything, experience, regret, joy, sorrow, gloom…
3. Time filters out falseness > Breaks down barriers

Time is All we have

- Patience = key

Does something bother you? If it doesn’t, I was all wrong but if it does, that’s cause it’s important to you…This is in regards to everything in life…I wonder why it is the way it is, why it all went wrong, I write to keep me from calling you, oh I forgot I’m not allowed to…you want it your way…and I’ll take it cause you want…I’ve accepted da fact of looking like a fool cause…I love you understand….

Pooh T Poetry

This one’s yours

This one’s yours

Can it be

Can it be too

Thinking all about

Dancing wit you

Wit you and pooh

Wearing that little

A little shirt

Snuggled next to me

And my erect fiddle

I’m not gay and

It wasn’t erect

Cause I made sure

With a check

[Condoms are for fuckers not lovers]

I know, that moment something important or unique is experienced with a person, a special chain is locked together, and to experience that same important thing with another is tough…

This is so because fear, fear of it not at least equaling that of with the original…Most fear breaking chain numero uno, but

But chain dos can be better & so on, welling to risk all chains is the prerequisite…


Don’t mis-use the word marriage, many do ⇒ you have asked me, you know my response, have I asked you…Never…but when I think …or when you argue, “Why not have I asked,”… I tell you I will eventually, but when da time is right…it is a contract, one that signs each other to the green grass @ Forest Lawn +

(paste picture here)

I Feel You

Have been taken

Away from me, held

Hostage from me

…Mentally I am

Being punished…

Everyday we were

On time ⇔ in touch

Now something’s up ↑

You thought you were my grandma

→ I wanna hold your soft skin, feel the grip of your legs around my body

At times I feel like calling you up, and just giving up my test and your words, but maybe this is tearing my chances away…I wanna hear your voice even if you don’t wanna hear mine…I miss it, I wanna know what’s going on in your life, I wanna listen…just sit and listen, it’d be nice…I’m afraid to call, I’m drained from it all…something’s misunderstood and this could be, the not worth it or the test that makes or takes on all the rest.

One knows something is up when a fairly new cute human in your life is always holding you, even massaging your neck and twisting my arm hairs…the feeling I could have sex with this girl, but the frightening part is that I don’t really desire it…da sickness prevents…but her body did feel very good next to mine, she means nothing unlike you who may mean existence for me…but “Love Sickness” makes it impossible to think dirty about another

Until Sickness Ends

(I don’t want it too)

I can’t take da leap to love another [I may get]

”Love Sickness”

is bout seeing da causer grow & expand, hearing their adventures, then letting them roam, its not about keeping them contained, that is more of a sense of fear in losing and having da person get away : )

Maybe some say I’m a bit to romantic for reality, I’m like an individual that existed in some other time and place…Why not be enthusiastic about romance? Its not obsessive at da least, finding some one who makes you a patient of Love Sickness is I feel the most important thing in life…If you are sick you will realize what I mean, and when you are sick you will know you are…Fine maybe I’m in love with being in love, but I do hope that’s not the case cause that’s sad : ( … Moderation is key in ball game…baby steps to rid da greatest pain & pleasure of Love Sickness…baby steps to make babies with the one that causes your Love Sickness…


my cell prefix =743= your cell prefix

went off went on

perfect balance

An excerpt from “Writing’s from the inner…die”

“Feeling desperate in a time of need can only truly shatter the glass that bleeds from your eye. My eye reflects the one that is presently lodged in your skull, it manages not to look elsewhere, only to find it self in an obsessive illusion. God tells me that life treats its true believers differently, but what goes up must cum down. It all goes down to hell, where the fire burns forever without a single point. This fire may glow but its glow is for the most part meaningless, I know this maybe a sick way to look at a grade school crush on a girl, but it’s a twisted reality, and mine is feeling more and more tilted towards the balance beam of weirdness. I am melting I believe into giving up, but for some goddamn reason I keep going back. Its like I am addicted to depression…its like a game of blackjack @ the Mirage, according to the odds you’re bound to win a few times…eye disorders or diseases lead to a lower reading comprehension…can’t focus on sitting still

When a man of the modern capitalistic world of the 21st century, specifically one of the not-so booming business world of suits and wrinkled ties accompanied by cell phone clips (lame), goes to create a business but he 1st must devise a plan…in this like, like the same plan with any issue’s…an objective (broad) must be born…a goal one could say…what do you want?

With this rare beautiful disease, “Love Sickness,” the goals & objectives with absolute anything done (college, job, living, religion and so on) must benefit da one causing da sickness > Da “human” causing it is also da primary motivation for meeting the checkered flag : )

Automobile+Canjon Pass+Cliff→ (death=life)

Only true lovers

Joke of killing themselves

Together…Fear of not

Living without for only a

Moment…So wanting to

Exit together @ da same

Exact specific second, taking our

Lives 2gether → going 2 da next level

You’re my Drug Baby

You Make Me High,

It’s the Most Natural… Together…It’s My fix

I’ve Never Have had urge when with you, Have you! Unlike Others I don’t need To Mask My Time With Narcs, to have fun round you

Sometimes I think you’re up to something because I know you’re smart, your mind is always running, can you stop it now? I see your point about art & writing…It’s easier when one is not happy…Your Fucking brilliant…Never wrong are…come back…your wrong about me & him, he will hurt

I will not

Maybe prior to my current case of “love Sickness” or the cause of it I lacked the experience of searching, a drastically lower belief in my self…

but now more noticeable than before I understand my ability to achieve a prospective, in the cause of “Love Sickness,” it’s much greater than I had realized…For instance the other night 6 options came about,

An uncommon situation that had expanded my heads…but all I could think about was you…da sickness does this…? Fight

Being da vent always sucks…cover da emotional side, developing a bond that should be covered by da partner, So 3rd person see’s their “Love Sickness” build upon the unexpected incited foundation, but quickly layers are piled on very quick…strong ones too…but told to not label until other building shuts down or is moved… eventually unfinished building will crash…“Love Sickness” makes it frustrating to play this friend who is more than a friend, but not physically equal as a lover…cause I can’t bare to see you cry on my shoulder and play marriage counselor and hear your sex life…when I could selfishly fuck you….but da sickness prevents that…but I can say stop a better is me…I can’t see you cry anymore ⊆ finish it….

Life is so tough, I see myself flying to another place, hiding in the never ending chase…it rushes by without knowing, sneaks upon ourselves without any showing…if something locks on you soft, feeling like a rock…protects while in front, but hurts while behind…if one feels worth fighting for, fight

: ) I am

Attempting pathetically

Seeing you like this, reminds me of something you had always been used to hating and now you have to become this…why do you have to play theater and loose your beauty, be comfortable…I saw you and I saw you’ve been out pouring blanks with an empty gun…you don’t have, fuck your mind…you hate within and in your soul, thick fog approaches when silence opens…you know it’s a waste…no stupid people hangouts…be brave, say no more prison, communicate with so as human, lover, amigo ⎣ Please play Smart, bugs=rats

After such a scary vacation, I notice we both distance ourselves with awkwardness, not knowing how to behave around another…I see you want to break free but leashes only stretch so far…the air was hard to breath, but our gradual ease filtered it…

My shadows rang on time with misconceptions of yourself purposely avoiding myself for a sane solution that only views as insanity, you may have been fucked as I never contacted, it was unlike reality but a product of some one thinking they can and know it extract power…your are someone kidnapped until….

DA Sickness

Takes DA

Acting OUT

OF it

The situation we have here

is really abstract and

undeserving, my mind

stresses way too much

about issues that will or

would happen either

way…stop that Michael ℵ

get some sleep ∝ are you

watching? Should you? Some

one stole from………

Some Personal results you will experience with “Love Sickness” that will kill your body

1. Sleep will be lost, expect to be tired

2. Loss of appetite, food is to survive (top ramen, noodles, tinas) and hunger exists

3. Dry mouth

4. Body odor intensifies

5. A sore & achy body, muscles, and joints…

You told me that your soul would be an acting guard to my mind; you would protect me from all the dangers

You would make me learn to say fuck off…

You always teach what you can’t grasp on a personal setting…

If he were to harm me you would leave…he is…by being a bully

Page break



We have equal one

Something to ponder in your head while sitting on the toilet taking a smelly crap…maybe

Maybe “love sickness” can be found in the realm of friends…

Do friends make the best lovers?

Can it be that simple?

Sex galore

Thank you for reading this, thank you for acting like you care, thank you for not giving a fuck, thank you I say, that you for acting like you threw it all away

Heres go ahead put it in

Isn’t that

What you want?

Maybe it isn’t, maybe you have validity in excuse…maybe ?

(paste picture)

Sneaky dreams can

I open my head to dream but only one simple thing, not the living life on the street or the lifestyles of the rich & famous or the snorting stacks of crack, but some gurl who makes jokes of hurl, some angel who used to float next to me…way ahead, so far she came circling back, she a sneak attack…run around are you, run from me always are you…I can’t rid her from my mind, I will still see you when I go blind,

Fuck You…Give Me a Merry A Merry→marry me never, always be mine lets shine…

I can find my way

I can write my way

That song I love, but carelessly lack the knowledge of it’s title or artist, was played on the FM dial earlier today. I mean, I sort of know the genre, but genre is what killed music and the rest of the arts. Labels, anyway the song sounded just as good but provoked a different emotion then three weeks ago when I last had my ears listen. This time I felt selfish, I didn’t wanna loose the song again without knowing at least one clue, but I did. So obviously I called to request it but realized my singing sucks and I had zero clues to describe the song to the radio personality but the person helped

Anyway ⇒ play it

Grow old, grow gray, grow adaptive,

grow use to the things desired

before, but loose those desires to

those that are newly born.

I did not want anything more in any

day than one thing, no fiestas, just one thing…I’ve done all that bullshit, only one thing can make it bearable as I sit in this chaotic mess


Dying Roads of Niggers

Millions need lessly die

One time we must try

That place we will

It can and it will

Shine on our eyes

It takes us, it takes you

The people are so beautiful

Never like this, we miss

Stars will be by your eyes

Travel on that make believe train

That rail may open my brain

I don’t wanna crash

I don’t I don’t

Put some on your rash

Millions fall bloody

We can help

Zebra bounce

How does it feel?





? where, what, &

why ?


what people have to do for

clean water, around da globe,

you have it good…realize

what you can loose, cause it

may happen…only time can tell

H2O it



Weapon OF

Mass Destruction

Is Oil : )

It makes everything much more intense than it actually is, it’s a caution sign that blinks, it’s bright lights that blind, it’s a church sermon that rocks, it’s a printer that works well…it is time well spent, it is and it will be something tough to forget, forget is not possible, but regret is.

Containing the text of a lost persona, bring about a style that implodes a successful individual, a runway that may never give way, so let it be with your beat, fusing into a flawless mix of image and sound…

(paste picture)

(paste picture)

(paste picture)

The idea of time in all aspects is pretty much issued for the purpose of operating as a bookmark, a way to obsessively create a synthetic structure of plastic organization. But if time = bookmark, you can use it as you move along the letters, cover up the future and make current easier to see…a tour guide as you deepen?

Perhaps this is the intended use, a use that has been forgotten…people are afraid to rotate the bookmark 90 degrees and use it as one reads a book, besides solely as a brainless tool to remember the spot you had left off on, to go and shit or jerk off. Open it, don’t be scared…who cares if you fail, attempt is important, my life, in the recent times as I approach the end of a year that was both good and bad but to the extremes; a confusing ball of stress was placed into my testacles. Ow!! Although the end is visible, still some fog blocks the birth of a new year…a path that surprises & neutralizes, keeps me quiet cause I wonder. Hearing backing vocals of similar birds chirping, only to motivate the dove on my apple tree, a tree that friends say blocks or fucks the view from my window, but I see it as an addition to my view [centerpiece] [layer creater] [intellect challenge], this dove was motivated to chirp more beauty

The dove’s music, gave me strength…I was able to fully construct a sense of respect and amazement for this view, I understood this view a lot more. A dove that had given up chirping, until other doves opened the song…My dove realized to keep chirping cause it loved making beauty….

It somehow knew the power of bonding sound and image, as the apple tree now more than ever made me hard. I wanted and will eventually remove the screen and reach for an apple to feed my desire. I even have a specific apple in mind….

Right after my dove left to play with the other doves or self entertain with silently viewing irrelevant substances…my old humming bird decided to not just unfriendly fly by but stop at the window and confront me on the so-called invasion of the doves nine months ago, and the growth of the apple tree and wanting me to unwater its roots and ignore the doves.

Or the flight path of nasty nectar will be altered to avoid any area visible from my window. I could tell the hummingbird wanted to be selfish…Personally I want both birds to chirp together, the music will be prettier…one right after the other, freaky…

My friends, new people I had just met, and weak amigos had been spectators to my abnormal conversations to birds outside my window…a bored girl who was getting wet was turning me moist but along with the other drunks was drained interest in me but two birds? Will fly over….

Down With


Sickness R


Being alone while being completely consumed with an obsession that is only contained by the details of delusions…delusional dreams one might say, cause that’s what they have come to be…no insight on my life, a map that has no direction…she makes it confusing…she makes it uplifting…she makes it depressing…she made it…my obsession is all or nothing…fuck any other way…walk behind any other, walk equal with so, be starry eyed puppy dog with another, be human with so…I can fight it…you can only bottle up so much before it blows…you don’t even fuckin call…you can’t even send an E, so fuck it all? You say?

Michael’s hypnotic state caused him to be disoriented and confused. The confusion caused him to be rude and obnoxious towards his friends. He became a different person. He wasn’t who he once was. Michael became a completely other person. No one knew who he was now, not even those that loved him most…his roomies. It was a sad moment. And it was obvious that things were to become more depressing. Michael not to never come back again. But then he met kim and they became good friends. He no longer felt confused & found out that his friends were the ones being rude & obnoxious. He stood up for himself & found out whom his true friends were.

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Step outside my life for a bit, but let me in when I want to carry the heavy load…sing me a lullaby when I need it, transplant my soul into your body and put the needle on it…just don’t step into a black hole…you will disappear and my medication to cure this sickness will vanish…can you forgive me, you will my heart tells me…so step outside but remember where I stand, remember how I sleep, remember how I function & survive, remember

Love Sickness is not meant as a game or entertainment package, it becomes a living and breathing concept, it pumps one’s blood…it is control and power, it is being…I’m not insane by any means, I have no control at what takes place, my hand, nor my mind is writing this entry or any of the entries in this journal, but rather my heart writes it→my body is just a tool to compose→meaning is the sketchpad for getting down these thoughts→hurt is not the expected analysis but let me smoke one more cigarette as I write waiting for you to reappear from the black hole, I know you will never come back but I will still and always hope that you will Please return to earth for ♣

The devil only speaks with, when (let me see) I talk to myself↔almost everyday that is…we have the best conversations, I must add…why can’t people just move, asking isn’t hard to do…

I comprehend hints, and purposely fuck with peoples heads, I’ll blow smoke in your face, I will cause I want to teach my religion.

Has the devil opened your eyes, taught you anything so far…showed you the wrong so you do the right

Stop fucking honking!

Don’t litter, place da trash in the waste basket, sleep by 11 pm & wake early, where’d this angel go …come back

Come and see with me, take a journey into space with a life vest in case we fall into the pacific

The waves we will ride, the fish we may see, the sharks that will bite your beautiful eyes as I swim for dear life

But don’t be scared, my ugliness will scare off any normal shark

The abnormal ones scare me though

Let’s venture; it’s always nice hearing from you but even better seeing you, but I can not be a greedy man…

Before I lay down to rest I would like to say my ink is drying up, my thoughts are trying to get away from my heart. My internal war is a bloody mess, a battle to contain some dignity, a fight to survive some pride, a jihad for my love. The sickness will win, the sickness will lose, and you will end up confused. My room for explanation, my room for apology, they have gotten tighter but what has remained the same or maybe even got wider is & are my feelings for you. You may distrust me for something that is over with, but I feel bad it occurred, lets learn from that mistake. We were on fire reading each other’s minds, finishing each other’s sentences even before we spoke, equally pulling each other. It seems as though a strong wind appeared out of no where, hold on tightly and we will survive as @ least friends, my love

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Issues of being placed some where between a friend and that special someone

“You said or set this idea up, you had been drinking…alcohol speaks da truth…you said you really liked me…you said I was more than a friend, but not sure…but restated your liking and love towards me but was unsure of “our” destination in your head…then you moved your body closer 2 me as we snuggled to warm each other in da cold casino…”

we walked in a puppy dog flirtatious manner, we walked like a couple, we played like a PG one, we did what each other wanted, we smiled, laughed, talked, fantasized, warmed…confessed…locked eyes & stared into ecstasy…massaged souls…but thru all no hold hands.

Sickness intensifies this! Friend vs. boy or girl friend

- You as a friend want to keep good friend status
- You want to keep all honesty in advice searched by person of desire when
- Never purposely negatively advise for a selfish result to occur
- Know when to make a move, never when da sickness exists cause it’ll fall down
- Taking advantage is foul play and will eventually end
- Trust yourself and each other, if it seems so…it’s a go
- Remember fluctuate presence, give da person time with their someone, as they deserve, but not letting da person forget…then give them a lot of you…mix up
- Out do da other, make him look bad…don’t instigate
- Honest, communicate, experience, live

Remember when in this situation, you have more voice than a friend, less physical public affection…but less importance than da one…you are da fast get away…used as a vent, emotional outage…a tool…must not expect sex or similar but you have place to step in and say words…

“an entire continent inflames”

beat me up, tribal style

stop da itch

fuck da bitch

stop da itch

kill the bitch

stop da itch

remove da stitch

dig your ditch

throw da bitch

stop da itch

throw your pitch

stop da hunger

you ain’t getting younger

feed da hunger

feed da hunger

plant da seed

it’s an idea…America

A friend told me to be silent bout

issues that shouldn’t be kept quiet,


is wrong,

if you fear something the

reward follows when that fear is broken,

fight it,

go after what scares and maybe

you can reach #1 or be a loser…


don’t know til trial…judgment day

The black and white keys, you had found them on

that one day, you had been looking for them ever

since you were little…a little girl had desired the

black and white keys…the beauty you could

potentially create by unlocking…its up to you, now

that you found them, a joyful smile was naturally

erected on your face…I saw it, my father saw

it…the talent that was finally unlocked, the

amazement I had seen, I guided this gift and it will

always be in my heart…the ivory black and white keys, are out of tune now, but my father will re-

tune them…keep playing and don’t sit still cause your magic needs to create, and your silence plays

tricks with your mind as you told me once.

Sitting and staring at the middle aged black lady,

who is she and why does she trust me?

She claims I have a special aura, something that will

reach the world, the world does exist

in her eyes,

she knows from the vibe of my unique artistic gift,

I don’t know but must narrow down,

but I know

my goal and I understand its existence

in a way

that makes me roam.

Approaching me quickly the light gets brighter, the sounds get louder, the cars get faster…like a trance song, and now the bass kicks in…

A sickness that has flown south of the boarder to Chiapas, speaking a slang version of a Romance language, writing a slang version of a Romance novel, we will get swept away by the surreal images that poke us in our star like twinkles…

You may have been blessed by sin, but undressed by god…

I do not know what may come of this but mind will wait patiently with emergency blinkers on in the loading zone.

Distractions kept me away from what I really wanted to do; outside factors don’t influence my mind but surely do confuse it with a thick coat of fog…

Most think one thing but if they only took the time to hear my annoying voice, they would see it’s nothing more than nothing their imaginations had cooked up…

Believe me I’m nowhere, where I want to be…

I got lost in the detour, and I can’t find my way back, I don’t want to pick a new destination…

I just arrive

When the sun goes down my light shines, it’s a world upon some sort that a beautiful thing occurs, much more than one can imagine, it’s a time most mornings for most others it would occur, but for me its inside out like a sock ball.

This is a ball, a ballroom that swing dances into salsa change-ups ↑, up we go seeing cute girls they smile with twinkles in their eyes, only I can dare to imagine what may happen next, a voice that may inspire, a voice that may bring euphoria, a voice that may turn everything to platinum, so I say the cubiczarconium lets rock the solid gold and bring the riches to all those around, you make it all worth while, u do : )

Time tells

Terrific tall

Tales that

Turn torture

Tables to

Thorough titles

Twitching thru

Tough tornadoes

Then talking

Twice towards

Tiny twins

Though toss

The t-bone

Follow Comfort

Be Mask-Less

Molest the Pope

All this time

All this life

Everyday seems like waste

I just wanna be

I just can’t see

Eyelids close on me

Chaos exposes the sea

All this time

All this life

Everyday seems like waste

I just wanna wife

I just can’t be here anymore

Now the days have changed

Eyelids open on me

Fuck what I see

Fuck what I can be

Now the crystal ball has changed

All this time

All this life times 2

I break I break

There’s something about it, I found it hard to

feel, your skin is my blanket, but its been a

cold December, devils nite issued some

fucked change where togetherness has

floated away on a fucked up river…I didn’t

mean for it to never be, I didn’t mean for

it…Why’s it gotta be, why’d it have flee?

Tell me when we can dry up this river, it’s

fucking it up…I need what you need

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Why’d you have to get to the, destination?

Did you plan on leaving the entire time?

You seemed as though you saw what I saw…

Twinkles in our eyes…

I’ve always been open…

I’ve been so into you & helpful

The perfect girlfriend, the one person I could picture eternity with, the best match, is only a dream…I know for a fact I will never find someone as compatible…or someone that will understand my love for you, but maybe this book will. Answer that…Holding you on the beach for an hour underneath the stars in the sand was nice, you can’t say : )

Some of the best times of my life have been with you, and the worst. I feel like a celebrity when I’m with you and you’re my celebrity…we are a Hollywood power couple…god it’s so hard yet so easy to write all this down, but remembering it is what hurts & the concept of it most likely never happening hurts even more. So many instances I actually thought were special, one in a kind, and whenever I redo them you will come 2 mind.

You say its Easy

At this point I can’t trust girls, I’m more afraid that I will get hurt, I thought I was afraid before with da others….

Fuck that….

Nows worse…Nick was right….

I should have just kissed you then like you said…and made it something else…

Quick actions=no sickness

But no forever

Now I’m afraid of tears → so don’t say get over it cause I may never

It’s not that simple

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I sat flustered next to the tomb of Mr. Tut in the saturated Egyptian pyramid, lights flashing at me as mummy’s walked past us, staring at the queen…

She stated to my little dead self…her honest liking of a dead soul, but she brought the dead to life with her warmth…

like a magician with potion…or like a doctor with electricity…

her words were not exactly clear but they were non negative…the queen of Egypt was confused…

She is based in the middle somewhere…

she was blocked, trapped as she finished her midori, da first time she drank poison with the dead soul…in solitary…

Waking up with her in my hands…

sometimes we all need a little push to get things accomplished, other wise without that push, we sit confined in comfort but in a simple way…challenge is…is important, it keeps one moving, but not a challenge that only hurts because that is just stupid and a waste.

We need to focus on a center, a meaning, a destination…(goal)

Challenge Yourself,

Question da Why not

(Why not? Instead why…look in reverse)

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Days go by, heaven must apparently vanished as she is called back to meet her people and resolve her situations back home…telling the newly revitalized soul to die again, but it won’t it will only develop to be a stronger force…a force of nature…a cancer that won’t go away (analogy)…the queen needs a king…men have always battled da sickness…evokes this in da male


I have luv sickness→A+B=mine

You have luv sickness→B+C=you

Would you feel good if “C” told you to get lost, to stop being? No you wouldn’t…be indirect please don’t say that : (

If you can

Traits of “Love Sickness”

1. No matter how tough things are going for yourself, da “one” is always by your side.
2. When drained & depressed, you know da “one” is waiting for you with arms wide open.
3. Guarding the phone and or window until, da “one” arrives home or calls.
4. Provide a source of strength or energy or power to & for each other.
5. Never embarrassed or scared to communicate to da “one”
7. Will share da “ones” pain

Remember how easy it is to lose track of tiempo together, sitting in the car in front of your “cp” home talking for four hours, the drive was shorter.

His power fetish, remember da 1st nite we hung out…my notes…your notes…in class

Hours at da UV, teaching Frank to drive, Sevilla, going in you apartment with my computer…talking some more, no games…ourselves

Remember ditching class early and watching “Felecity”


By now my feeling’s are pretty much exposed, I can’t make you choose cause I love you way too much and that would be asshole of me, I’m not a fucker so I will take your for you cause that’s what the disease makes you do, true love lasts while plastic love cracks…I will wait it out, if “he” hurts you again I will react much differently than you’ve seen prior.

mike Ahuja


Life has grown toenails very strangely, like



The cure blasts quietly, snow

Falls in, cut up

This room spins

Nothing more than her…

Saving and portraiting

A shrine develops

By use of


Can this illness end soon, but it feels so good, but it feels so bad, at least I prove those wrong that claim I can’t feel, they just are jealous they can’t evoke da feelings out of my skin.

And dat is why my eyes chase you, cause

you’ve pushed certain things in me that have never been pushed before

For you I try

For you I try sum more

For you I try again

For you I try again sum more

For you I’ve tried the

Most now and still I do not know the circle yet, it’s intriguing…like you…cause for you I will try til I die, it’s for you that I try not 2 die